How to express your needs without starting an argument

Speaking up does not have to start a fight. These steps help you say what you need and hear the reply.

Start with what is true for you

Many arguments start when a need comes out as a complaint. "You never help" invites a defense. "I'm worn out, and I'd like us to split the evening chores" invites an answer.

A simple structure

• Say what you notice, without judging it: "The dishes have been in the sink for two days."
• Say how it affects you: "I feel tense when I come home to it."
• Say what you need: "I'd like us to agree on a time to do them."
• Ask for a reply: "Does that work for you?"

Pick your moment

A request lands better when both people have energy to listen. Ask whether now is a good time, and offer another time if the answer is no. Pausing a talk that is getting heated is not avoiding it, as long as you name when you will come back to it.

When the same argument keeps coming back

A neutral third person can help each of you hear the other. Couples therapy is one way to do that. Anna Burke meets with couples, and you can read about her approach on her page.